How to Make a Great NFL Commercial

Ever since I started writing for the Egotist, my inbox has been filled with questions and comments. So I figured I’d answer some here.

Q: Football Season is here. Who’s gonna win the Super Bowl? – Bob S. from Poughkeepsie

A: Stupid question. Try this: How do I make a great NFL commercial? Excellent question. Let’s be honest, anytime your TV program can cram millions of financially-stable, overweight white guys in front of a TV, America’s manufacturers of excellent products (Cheese-Coated Chips, Hardening Pills, American Cars) will pump beaucoup bucks into commercials for that product. It’s stupid not to. Just like that dude’s original question.

Fortunately, during my two years in the Des Moines ad scene, I’ve worked on many advertisements. Some of which were for products similar to those advertised on TV during NFL games. That—combined with my experience watching TV commercials—has turned me into quite the TV commercial expert. Since I’m so good, I want to give you advice. Here are three tips for the next time you make a commercial that’ll air during an NFL game. Free of charge. Unless you use them. Then I will hunt you down and demand you buy me a burrito.

Let’s use this excellent commercial as a teaching example:
(Make sure to watch it in HD so you don’t miss any details)

3.) Make Kids Smart

We all know kids aren’t smart. Granted, they aren’t as stupid as their older brethren, The Teen. But let’s just say this. In the era of squiggly red lines, this age cohort’s biggest mental accomplishment is to see who can spell the best. Grow up kids. Do something mentally worthwhile. Learn calculus. Travel the world. Write a tweet.

Anyways. Kids aren’t smart. That’s reality. But no one likes reality. It’s dull and expected. Like a banana. So don’t make kids look like the stupids they are. Have them act smart. Now, this switcheroo might confuse adults. To avoid confusion, repeat the “this kid is smart” idea multiple times. Another thing you should reinforce? That the child isn’t an idiot. If you feel your adult audience still won’t grasp this complex notion, have the child point out obvious things. Like the size of objects in your commercial. These will all create a word I coined: a suspension of belief.

2.) Patronize your audience

Kid aren’t smart. But their parents are. Especially if they’re going to buy your product. And what do smart people want? To know they’re smarter than other people. So make the adults in your commercial idiots. Common sense says why would I want my brand represented by an idiot? That’s why I give common sense both middle fingers.

1.) Make it obvious you’re selling something

Americans love to be sold something. How do I know? We all love to buy things. Ever bought something that wasn’t for sale? Boom. Logic bomb. With patriotic bullets.

So make it blatantly obvious that you bought this commercial space to sell something. No jokes—this isn’t one of those hilarious CBS comedies. And until NFL games are on Lifetime, women aren’t watching them—so don’t emotionally connect with your audience. And remember, reality is boring. Dress your talent to look so perfect that your audience will know it’s a commercial. Because after all, your skill as a creative is measured by how much of your skill you show off. Us writers write with fancy words to impress our audience (future employers). Art Directors, do the same with your visualness stuff.

Bonus: Use Howie Long

Some might disagree. They say use someone with a pinch of acting ability, like Peyton Manning. Or with racial ambiguity, like Troy Polamalu. Or someone who is clearly in desperate need of money and will shill whatever you want.

But you’re best bet is Howie Long. He has a large head. Matches up well with child actors. And has the acting ability of a Prozac’d infomercial star. He’s probably busy doing other commercials and looking for dinner-plate sized mittens. But if you can get him, get him. You’ll definitely sell more Cheese-Coated Chips, Hardening Pills and American Cars.

Matt Meszaros is a copywriter for Strategic America.